I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
The glockness monster
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week