Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.