How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish