Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.