Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
be careful