They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
me before I type out affect or effect
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.