[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now