Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
me after drinking all the wine:
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
How it started: How it’s going:
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit