Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Bloody internet 😳
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”