Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
You Might Also Like
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.