Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.