I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.