Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You Might Also Like
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*