Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.