This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”