Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
This hospital has everything
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.