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Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Cannot stop laughing at this
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Peace was never an option
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol