{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Breaking news:
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
how was your vacation
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door