The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong