The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.