[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
#Caturday
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice