MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.