i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons