Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY