I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Thursday Thought.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
greetings!
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
WHO DID THIS?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.