I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
That lamp looks PISSED.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?