Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
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Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101