Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Well, my evening plans are ruined