The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
SPLOOT
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.