When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
No chill.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT