ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
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your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
What personal space?
My dog
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light