[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[eulogy]
line?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget