I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
i really liked this one
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.