When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My boss called in sick of me
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow