I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
You Might Also Like
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.