do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Is this you?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*