Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.