Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
the best thing i’ve ever made
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
me refusing to leave twitter
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom