“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
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A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Netflix and awkward silence?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover