High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
You Might Also Like
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Trains are just sideway elevators.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I love the National Park Service.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Follow me for more life hacks.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
why would tinder want me to say this
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.