if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
British websites use biscuits.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that