Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
A game married people play.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.