[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You Might Also Like
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign