Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way