putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Go girl power!
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
The Joker was right
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me, in DM rooms…
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.