Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
23. the denim jacket
A small tragedy.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Lmfaoooooo
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.