[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian