The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
i’m sure it’s fine
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.