Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.