Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.